Finding out your spouse was unfaithful is profoundly devastating for most.
If you’re like many of our clients, you’re feeling deeply betrayed. Angry. Even rageful at times.
Many of our clients feel abandoned and confused.
Perhaps you and your spouse are growing further apart with each passing day.
Or perhaps you’re feeling more of a roller coaster in the relationship with intense ups and downs.
Maybe you’re unsure where to go from here.
You’re not alone.
A few years ago, Mary came to me completely burnt out on infidelity counseling. She and her husband, John, had been working on communication, rebuilding trust, and date nights. They were making very little progress.
John wasn’t interested in counseling, and Mary was incredibly angry with his lack of effort. They reached a point where their therapist didn’t even know what else to do for them.
Mary wasn’t sure what else could be done.
She considered leaving.
Mary and John worked with me using Bowen family systems theory for their infidelity counseling, and I’m happy to say they stayed together.
Nobody can say for sure what the outcome of your marriage will be, but there are marriages that survive infidelity.
Let’s dive deeper into why a family systems approach is the best counseling for infidelity.
How Does Bowen Family Systems Theory Look at Infidelity?
A family systems approach to infidelity is crucial because it looks at the whole family system and how it impacts your marriage. This is extremely important because we don’t live in a bubble. Our entire lives are shaped by interactions with other people. We react and make decisions based on other people’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors.
This is why I believe Bowen family systems theory is a common-sense approach to counseling – especially infidelity counseling1
Family systems therapists (like myself) understand that the problems you’re facing aren’t for lack of trying. We know you’ve tried many different ways to address the issues in your marriage, but it hasn’t been easy to make progress. Especially when you’re walking on eggshells or feel stuck trying to resolve problems on your own.
Going through infidelity counseling can help because your therapist is an objective third party who will ask essential questions to help you better understand yourself and your marriage.
We also understand that (more often than not) people don’t go out looking for affairs. Affairs usually evolve over time when tension and disagreements go unresolved.2
Now, that’s no excuse for infidelity, but it’s important to start looking at the behavior as a symptom of other problems.
Infidelity counseling using family systems theory helps you explore a different perspective.
Let’s talk about why this approach helps couples like Mary and John.
Infidelity Counseling: Why A Family Systems Approach Works Best
A family systems approach to infidelity counseling provides you with a different perspective than other counseling. First, we understand that you can’t force anything in this process. Each person has to go at their own pace. This is another way a therapist can help. You might feel more comfortable discussing how you want to proceed in your marriage with the support of a therapist.
Family Systems Therapists Use Facts, Logic, and Reason
As you start your infidelity counseling, you’ll begin to process your emotions. Your therapist will use the family systems theory to guide you through this process.
One of the most critical differences between a family systems approach compared to other infidelity counseling is that there’s an emphasis on facts, logic, and reason.
In a nutshell, family systems therapists are experts in helping you develop perspective. Other methods of infidelity counseling can keep you stuck because they focus (almost exclusively) on feelings.
In the beginning, processing your feelings is important. Then you’ll move into developing perspective around the day-to-day situations you face in your marriage. You’ll be more able to objectively discover a bigger picture of your marriage and what your new marriage goals might be.3
Focus On Yourself
With a family systems approach to infidelity counseling, there’s a middle ground between focusing on yourself and your spouse. Other approaches might ask you to focus most of your energy on your spouse. With our approach, we focus a lot on your own personal growth.
Ask yourself: are you more worried about your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and anxieties than your own?
If so, you’ll be encouraged to focus on yourself. Growth as an individual is essential in this process. In fact, it’ll likely encourage your spouse to do the same, leading to growth within the marriage as you work through the hurt and betrayal.
Let Go of the “Why”
You may not want to hear this, but it’s one of the most critical aspects of infidelity counseling. Family systems theory encourages you to stop chasing the “why” behind the affair. In my practice, I find that the people who have the most success with infidelity counseling can let go of the “why.”
Truthfully, there are no simple answers to this question.
Reframe the way you look at infidelity. Consider “what” instead of “why.”
What happened? When did it happen? What else was happening in your family system when it happened? What is happening now? Is there any progress? Is there a genuine and authentic effort being made?
Reframing your thoughts this way isn’t to place blame on any one person.
Infidelity counseling helps you understand what happened within the marriage to help you move forward and make positive changes.
A family systems approach to infidelity counseling helps you make sense of it without placing blame.
How Will Infidelity Counseling Help Me?
Many people find that infidelity counseling helps them because it’s difficult to process the emotions and the hurt alone. Often, people get so stuck in the emotional aspect of infidelity because it’s an agonizing, painful betrayal. It’s not easy to just “get over.”
Infidelity counseling can help you identify patterns in your marriage that aren’t working and ask thought-provoking questions to help you find a new approach to these patterns. You’ll begin to look at things from a different perspective.
You’ll also walk away from this type of infidelity counseling with a better understanding of yourself as an individual. Which will only strengthen your marriage.
We understand there are no simple answers to infidelity. One thing for sure is we can help you make sense of it. And then, help you make the essential changes to be able to move forward with a better, stronger, wiser you.
When you work with a Bowen family systems therapist for infidelity counseling, the emphasis is on change.
So, you may be wondering: how can infidelity counseling help me? What will the end result be?
For most people (including Mary and John), the end result of infidelity counseling with a family systems approach will be:
1.) A better sense of self – a better ability to be yourself
2.) Approaching the relationship as two equals
3.) Letting go of the “why”
4.) A broader perspective of your marriage
Getting help through our infidelity counseling can bring you one step closer to healing.
Are you….
Burnt out on other types of counseling?
Having trouble working through infidelity on your own?
Trying to save your marriage but just don’t know how?
Marriage Help Colorado provides private, online infidelity counseling for you and your spouse.
Want to get started with infidelity counseling? Request an appointment today.
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