Can Your Marriage Survive An Affair?
The Best Guide To Affair Recovery Counseling
When you said your marriage vows, the last thing you ever thought you’d be dealing with, is an affair that turned your whole world upside down.
If you were giving advice to a friend, you might tell them to cut all ties and move on.
But now that you’re here, it’s different. When you’re faced with giving up a life you’ve worked so hard to create with a person you love so much, the choice isn’t that simple.
You have all the emotions.
Anger.
Fear.
Resentment.
Mistrust.
But your marriage is worth fighting for.
You’re interested in affair recovery.
But where do you even start?
You have so many questions.
Let’s talk about what affair recovery is and my unique perspective on what helps couples succeed as they navigate this difficult time.
Can a Marriage Recover from an Affair?
When you find yourself dealing with the devastating betrayal of an affair – something you never even imagined – it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of the most common questions people ask is “can a marriage recover from an affair?”
Some statistics show that 4 in 10 marriages will experience an affair and many of these couples will stay together and a few might even come out stronger on the other side.1,2
Nobody can say for certain that your marriage will recover from an affair. It would be great to get that reassurance. The important takeaway is that there are marriages that do recover from an affair but it’s not without a lot of hard work.
If you’ve experienced an affair, you’ve got a mountain to climb. Climbing that mountain successfully means taking it one small step at a time. You’ll also need the right equipment.
I’ve been helping couples through affairs successfully for years and what often helps couples succeed isn’t the traditional things we think of – going on date nights, rebuilding trust via checklists or sharing account passwords, finding the exact cause of the affair, or worse, demanding details from a spouse who you aren’t quite sure you can believe anyway.
What helps the most takes a bit more time and thought. It involves taking a broader approach, a bird’s eye view, of the marriage. Growing together as individuals and as a couple and moving forward as equals. We’ll get more into this later but first, let’s take a look at what affair recovery is and how you can get started healing from an affair.
What is Affair Recovery?
Affair recovery is a term used to describe the process a couple goes through after someone’s had an affair. Finding out your spouse has cheated is one of the most painful experiences you’ll go through. And admitting to someone you love that you’ve had an affair is difficult, painful, and embarrassing.
Navigating this crisis has to be done on your terms – you can’t force yourself to move at a pace you’re not comfortable with.
I recommend starting the process from a place of understanding. Understand that affairs emerge over time as a result of a multigenerational emotional process.3
I want to be clear: this doesn’t mean you’re excusing the cheating behavior or that the spouse that cheated isn’t held accountable. It just means you understand that there is something much bigger going on between just the two of you. The affair itself is a symptom of other problems.
Being open to this concept probably won’t happen overnight. That’s ok. It might take some time to even fully believe it but if you start the process from this place of understanding, you’re more open to the work that comes next and you’re investing in the longevity of your marriage.
The term affair recovery can be a bit misleading because the goal is more about growth than about recovery. Using the word recovery alludes to a situation where you’ll return to a previous state of “normal” or that you’ll be free from the hurt you’re feeling right now.
For most people, it’s about growing into a new phase of the marriage. The phase that moves forward as equals.
You may begin this process on your own, but it’s important to know there are professionals that specialize in affair recovery. Finding a therapist who specializes in this area can help you develop a new perspective about yourself, about your marriage, and give you insight into how you can move forward.
Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to go through affair recovery.
There is only finding the right way for YOU.
It’s an evolving process.
How to Heal After an Affair
Moving forward as equals is easier when you’re focussing on growth – growth as individuals and growth as a couple.4
At first, it’s normal for the cheating spouse to be in the proverbial doghouse. But if you want to heal, it’s not sustainable for the cheating spouse to stay in the doghouse for too long.
Spouses who are in the doghouse are either still punishing themselves, or are willing to be punished because they think they deserve it. This submissiveness may be reassuring at first but the satisfaction you get from it is very short-lived.
The “punishment,” and the submissiveness isn’t changing the fundamental problem –– it’s creating a new one.
It’s distracting both of you from an important part of healing after an affair. The part where you move forward as equals.
And equals are much less likely to cheat again.
Healing After an Affair: Redefining Challenges
Real healing after an affair comes with redefining your challenges and sticking with them when the pain and loneliness come back. Affair recovery is a roller coaster ride, you’ll have highs and lows. It’s human nature to lose focus when you’re in pain.
As humans, we try to force a quick solution. Forcing this process is a mistake. A quick solution may give you that immediate gratification but it’s not going to help you with long-term healing from the affair.
As you move through this process, think about the growth that needs to happen to sustain the marriage.
Asking good questions is the key to growth.
Avoid questions that lead you down a dead end and trigger another argument.
Good questions help you think about the marriage as a whole and what you can do to help work through the problems you’re facing as a couple.
Here are a few questions you can ask:
- What was going on in my life (and in my family’s life) at the time? Did I feel helpless about it? (Try to be honest with yourself about this.)
- What similarities to my parents’ or grandparents’ relationships can I see in my relationships?
- What are my goals for myself in this relationship? And in other important relationships?
- Who do I want to be in this relationship?
- What are my life goals? Am I currently living according to those goals?
These are just a few examples of questions that will propel you forward in your affair recovery and explore how you can redefine the challenges you face.
How Long Does Affair Recovery Take?
If you’re reading this, chances are your intention is to keep your commitment to your relationship. Even if you plan to do whatever it takes to stay in your marriage, many people want to know – how long does affair recovery take?
This question is difficult to answer. Every couple is different. Every couple comes from different backgrounds. Every couple has a unique set of problems. And every couple plays a different role in their relationship dynamic.
If you work with a therapist who is trained in affair recovery, you’re probably going to move through the process quicker than doing it on your own. You’ll be able to explore your unique relationship dynamic and learn what’s working for your relationship and – more importantly – what isn’t working so you can change it.
Getting through an affair seems like an insurmountable problem. It will stick with you. But you can get close again. You, and your marriage, can be changed by it – and it can be good.
Affair Recovery: A Family Systems View
As I mentioned before, I’ve been helping couples successfully work through extramarital affairs, and with that comes a unique perspective. This unique perspective includes extensive training in Bowen family systems theory which is highly effective when couples are dealing with affairs.
Dr. Murray Bowen developed a theory that humans function together, as an emotional unit.5
This family systems approach is crucial in affair recovery because you start by understanding the complex relationship between two people.
A systems approach takes a look at your unique family system and how each person functions within the system. This approach makes affair recovery unique to your relationship. Other therapists may give you prescribed date nights, and talk about rebuilding trust but often it’s not getting to the root of the problem.
With a family systems approach, we can look at the affair as a symptom of how the family’s emotional system is functioning. By taking a deep look into each person’s role within the system, each person is accountable for their actions.
By understanding how each person behaves within the system, we can look to see where a “breakdown” could occur. This approach looks at what works within your family system and gives you the insight to strengthen it. But it’ll also help you discover what isn’t working and give you perspective on how to change that.
There is no blame game with this approach. Pointing fingers and ruminating on blame will not help you move forward in your marriage. Taking accountability, working on creating an equal partnership, and creating a healthy family dynamic is essential in affair recovery work.
If you’re looking for more support for affair recovery, our office provides:
- Secure, online, affair recovery counseling
- A safe, nonjudgemental space for both people to discuss their feelings
- Unique family systems approach specific to you
Affair recovery isn’t easy but with the right support, it’s possible.
If you’re ready to talk to someone, fill out our contact form today.
Resources
- How Long Does A Marriage Last After Infidelity? Marraige.com December 2021.
- Infidelity: Mending Your Marriage After An Affair. Mayo Clinic. July 2021.
- Webinar: Affair Recovery. Miriam Bellamy and Kelly Matthews.
- 5 Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid (And What To Do Instead). Marriage Help Colorado. 2022.
- The Bowen Center For The Study Of The Family
