Do you want or need more for your marriage than just talk therapy?

Are the two of you working on the relationship but find that you can’t quite make the progress you’d like? Do you experience a breakdown in communication that seems to have a life of its own—despite your best efforts? Perhaps you are dealing with infidelity and the constant triggers. Or perhaps you are dealing with constant conflict or distance? Have you done marriage counseling but realize you need a little something more?

Modern living is an extreme sport that can take its toll on a marriage—and on one’s mental and physical health. Relationship advice is everywhere you look, from the magazine cover in the checkout line to your mom to your sister-in-law Judy. Perhaps you’ve followed much of it and have even invested in couples therapy, only to find yourselves reverting back to old ways that have you both feeling stressed and worried.

When the brain gets stuck, so do you, and so does your marriage.

There’s good reason for your struggling and for the fact that you are stuck. When the brain gets going in one direction, it tends to continue on in that direction, unless it gets the necessary feedback to correct itself. Chronic stress, trauma, addictions, ADHD, illnesses, and other family events can impact brain function and therefore your ability to change negative marriage cycles. There are times when trying to think different thoughts or practice different habits just isn’t possible—not for a lack of will power or character—but for real physiological, non-adaptive patterns in the brain.

There are times when we need powerful physiological intervention. And I don’t mean medication. More and more studies are coming out that demonstrate unmistakably, that antidepressants work for a very small percentage of people–something like 25%. (See the book Lost Connections by Johann Hari for a summary of the research and a GREAT read!) In other words, medications work for a period of time, then the individual has to return for a higher dose—which means a few more months of the placebo effect—and a few more side effects. Even for folks who insist they are being helped by the medication, it is often clear that they are still struggling with depression and anxiety.

This is where neurofeedback—a non-invasive and perfectly natural tool—can come in.

What is neurofeedback and how can it help my marriage?

What is neurofeedback? (Click the link if you want to go more in depth.) Neurofeedback is biofeedback for the brain. The brain has a profound ability to self-correct once given the right information. Its entire design is built around detecting difference or potential problems and then solving those problems. Like when you get a cut on your arm. The Central Nervous System sees this as a “difference” or a “problem” to solve, and it moves to action immediately. The same goes with mental or emotional misfires. When the brain becomes more resilient and flexible when it comes to problem solving, so do you.

In 25 years of marriage counseling, I’ve become aware of just how difficult it can be for people to resolve marriage problems. The challenges that all of us face to be able to calm down enough and to get outside our hurt feelings enough to communicate more clearly are extraordinary. Neurofeedback helps the couples I work with do just that, and they make 6 months to a year’s worth of progress via one month of neurofeedback training. With neurofeedback, we can get straight to command central, and my couples feel the difference.

Here’s what a few of them have to say:

“It only took two days on Neurofeedback before I began to feel differently. My thoughts were clearer and they somehow seemed more my own. I felt like Neurofeedback released my mind from its own prison, and once my thoughts began to feel free, so did I. It is a journey to have my mind unencumbered by old patterns and traumatic thoughts to be free now to actually be myself and get to know that person. I highly recommend it, combined with therapy, for anyone; especially those struggling with triggers and traumas.”

-BF, Fort Collins, Infidelity

“I have done 18 sessions, and I feel there are tangible results from the training. My emotions are more even-keeled and less subject to big swings. I worry less and am more at ease with not knowing, not having a final answer, and thriving through uncertainty. I don’t obsess nearly as much about things—for example what to do with my relationship with my partner. I am better able to shut out distractions at work so that I don’t spin my wheels when too many demands are thrust upon me. This week I slept a lot better too! I had been waking up between 2 AM and 5 AM and was unable to go back to sleep!”

-Rose, Colorado Springs, CO, Dealing with new relationship later in life

“Now, since neurofeedback, my thoughts don’t go as catastrophic. It used to be worst-case-scenario when something stressful would happen at work or at home in my marriage. Now I can truly consider and evaluate all of my options when faced with a challenge. I’m not pulled down into a hole over something that is a maybe. Plus, I am now off of all of my anti-depressants. Relative to being on drugs the rest of your life, this was well worth the money for me. And the actual sessions were so relaxing! My sleep is also much better. It was the first thing I noticed. I used to have really restless, anxious, and stressful dreams, and I don’t anymore.”

-Daisy Roswell, GA, Infidelity

You may be curious about neurofeedback but still have some questions.

I’m still not sure what it is. What happens in a neurofeedback session?

Neurofeedback sessions are 33 minutes long, plus a little time for connecting and removing sensors. During a session, the client is listening to music while connected to our NeurOptimal systems via 2 scalp sensors, and 3 ear clips. We track the brain’s movement 256 times a second, and when it detects that the brain is about to shift states in an unstable way, it delivers a brief stop in the music. This break in the sound triggers a brain reflex called the orienting response, which brings the brain to the present moment. It’s like holding up a mirror so the brain can “see” what it is doing.

If what it is doing is inefficient or “unstable,” it moves itself toward stability. The more it is in a stable place, the more it will be able to stay there. Just like working a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it becomes.

Most clients feel very relaxed after sessions.

How many sessions do we need and how often do we train?

The number of sessions varies. We find the most robust results at 20 sessions or more. But it’s important to understand that brain training is like going to the gym. You don’t go for a month and then never return and hope to have the same level of fitness. Brain training is for the long haul. Many of my couples check in and do sessions quarterly. Some do it more, some less. It’s really up to you and your goals and your level of stress.

Clients can train daily or, at a minimum, 2 times a week. Most decide to rent a system so they can benefit from the convenience of brain training at home. It’s much more cost effective this way too.

I’m not sure I’m comfortable with someone messing with my brain. Is it safe?

This is a great question and an important one. The answer is yes, neurofeedback using NeurOptimal systems is perfectly safe. More importantly, we are not messing with anyone’s brain. We are merely offering it a reflection of itself—we are holding up a mirror so it can “see” itself.

Using NeurOptimal, we have removed the possibility of human error, something that is problematic with all other approaches to neurofeedback. Most systems start with a qEEG Brain Map, from which a trained expert makes a diagnosis and sets a protocol. They decide what frequencies your brain needs more or less of, and treatment proceeds from there. With NeurOptimal, the brain itself decides what it needs, not the software and not me. We do not push the brain in any direction; we merely hold a mirror up to the brain, and it takes it from there. NeurOptimal is so safe it is used with infants, pregnant mothers, and victims of seizures and strokes. I use it with my own children, and we have seen nothing but positive results.

How would we get started?

Please feel free to call or email me or fill out the confidential and protected form on the contact page of this site. We will start with a brief phone call so that I can hear what you are looking for and so that you can ask me any questions you like. If you are looking for marriage counseling, we will then schedule a time to meet together to discuss your history, current problems, and goals. If you are looking to just start with neurofeedback, we can discuss the various ways to train the brain: in office, rental, or purchase. If you just want brain training, that is perfectly fine. Sometimes it is all people need to make the changes they were hoping for.