Redefining the Challenge
“A problem well defined is half solved.”
-Pete Bellamy (my dad)
John was struggling terribly. His grief was palpable in the counseling session. He believed that his wife Ginny didn’t really understand how much pain he was in from her affair. If she knew, he thought, if she really understood, she wouldn’t get so impatient when he got upset or angry or when he felt lost. She would be more loving. “She would be more penitent,” he said.
When she had first told John about the affair, she was penitent. Very penitent. She was the one who had done wrong, and she knew it, and she felt she deserved it. In this stage of healing after an affair, the spouse who cheated is often in a kind of submissive role, and the betrayed spouse is much less so, often in a dominant or dominating role. Often times, when this is the reaction, there is a lot more sex, a lot more making up, a lot more cohesiveness-even if there is still a lot of pain.
But this phase of things inevitably runs out. And it’s scary when it happens. And painful.
And absolutely necessary.
You Don’t Want Your Spouse in the Dog House…For the Long Term
Spouses who are in the doghouse are spouses who are either still punishing themselves-or are willing to be punished-or willing to make you think they are willing to be punished in worst case scenarios. This submissiveness may be reassuring, but it is not sustainable. It’s not changing the fundamental problem; it’s creating a new one. It’s distracting both of you from an important part of healing after an affair…the part where you move forward as equals. And equals are much less likely to cheat again.
John wanted to define the problem as one of a lack of penitence. Ginny wanted to define the problem as John’s need to punish her. With these definitions, each had only one option. Somehow, some way, get the other to change their stance or perspective. We all know how well that works.
But maybe you need this for a while. Maybe your spouse will be OK with it. For a while. I don’t think you need to force anything here. I think we do best when we ride these waves, and slowly, over time, learn to observe them. And then slowly begin to turn the ship. If the anxiety is just too high, or the pain too great, then get your reassurance if you can. But if you’re ready for the next stage in healing, and you can handle it, then consider redefining the challenges before you.
Healing After An Affair: Redefining the Challenges
For John and Ginny, the affair recovery work became more personal. John was able to become more observant of his own anxiety and anxious reactions to Ginny’s moods, Ginny’s whereabouts, and whether Ginny was “doing her own work” of recovery. He recognized that focusing on her seemed to lead directly to an increase in his own anxiety and depression-which then seemed to trigger her moodiness-and around they went. As John slowly shifted his intense worry and focus on Ginny, he started to feel better. In other words, as John’s thinking improved, so did his feelings.
Ginny felt better as a result of John’s shifting stance. Over time, she was able to identify how she became vulnerable to the affair. She began to express her opinions and disagreements on various subjects with John less reactively, and John began to listen more.
The Trick
The real trick in redefining the challenges is sticking with it when the pain and loneliness increase. As a species, we tend to lose focus when in pain. We try to force a quick solution. We have to begin to be in it for the long game, sometimes at the cost of the short games we play to alleviate our suffering.
Review of Beliefs That Couples Who Do Well Adopt:
Belief #2: How a couple reacts to the affair is usually worse for them than the actual affair.
Belief #5: The challenge isn’t your spouse. The challenge is your own development as a human.
Thanks for your subscription and apologies for the delay in posting! I’ve been working on another project you may find interesting. I’ve started doing neurofeedback, and my clients who are going through infidelity are finding it very helpful with triggers and sleep and clarity. Check out the site or send me an email if you want to know more! Whole Family Neurofeedback
