Part 2 of a 12-Part Series

If it’s not about trust…

I spoke with a betrayed wife a few years ago who was burning out on infidelity counseling. She and her husband had been working on rebuilding trust, vulnerable communication, and date nights. Oh…the date nights! And it wasn’t going so well. Her husband wasn’t into the therapy, and she was feeling angrier and angrier about his lack of effort. When the therapist wasn’t really sure what else he could do for them, the wife wasn’t sure what else could be done either. She was considering leaving.

As we reflected in Part 1 of this affair recovery blog series, rebuilding trust has significant drawbacks. It tends to create the very situation this couple was stuck in (see the 7 Reasons Rebuilding Trust Doesn’t Often Help). But if a couple isn’t working to rebuild trust, then how can they survive the affair? What else is there for them? What else do they work on? If they don’t have trust, do they have a marriage?

Patsy Cline had a song about infidelity called She’s Got You. Even if you’re not a fan you’d probably recognize it. Throughout the song is a recurring theme that goes like this: I’ve got your class ring, she’s got you…I’ve got your picture, she’s got you…I’ve got your records, she’s got you. But then there is the haunting lyric: I’ve got your memory, or has it got me? I really don’t know, but it won’t let me be.

I think people who have been through an affair can relate. The feeling that something else has taken over their marriages and that it won’t let them be can remain overwhelming. The feeling that they cannot come out from under it, whether they were the cheater or the betrayed spouse, can be relentless. Betrayed spouses often feel that if they can just trust again, if they can feel secure again, that this sometimes relentless, often times crushing anxiety will go away. The need for trust can become so big that people stop having the need, and the need starts having them…and they lose even more of themselves in the process.

Which is why I believe that the most important and effective affair recovery counseling has at its core the development of one’s sense of self.

What if you could learn to rely on self a little better? I don’t mean some kind of pull-your-boot-straps-up, suck-it-in and suck-it-up kind of self-reliance. I’m talking about a deeper, more solid kind of quiet resolve and grounded-ness. And what if your cheating spouse were able to observe your progress? What impact might it have on them? What if they were working on the same thing instead of either groveling to earn trust back or resisting a process they feel is hopeless anyway?

Life would be a little different right now, wouldn’t it? Sound too good to be true? It may be, but consider how important or hopeful you might feel if you were working on that do-able goal, step-by-step, day-by-day, rather than spinning your wheels on something (rebuilding trust) you’re not sure you can ever achieve anyway. Consider the idea that working on self leaves the work in your hands, without the mess and pain of feeling desperate for someone else to change.

It is important to understand that this doesn’t mean you do a little and your spouse does a little too. It means you do you. Period. Next to your spouse. Separate. Together. At the same time.

The wife I mentioned earlier came to a point in our work together where she realized she wasn’t sure if she could make up her own mind when it came to her marriage. She realized how much pressure she’d felt in her marriage and how little ability she’d had to think and act clearly when it came to even the most mundane questions like where they should go eat dinner. She realized, at 55 years old, after having been married 30 years, having launched two daughters, and having had a full career, that it was time for her to develop her own mind and her own ability to make clear, important decisions…without steamrolling her husband and without shrinking.

I’m happy to tell you that her husband followed suit, and they are very happily married today. I’m not sharing that because it’s possible for you. Or possible for everyone. I’m sharing that to describe the possibility of hope when one shifts their point of view, even a little.