Ever feel like you’re constantly watching what you say to your spouse? Do you have the fear of one wrong word and it’s World War III? Has the conflict gotten so intense that your normal filters disappear in front of the kids? Do you love your spouse but can’t stand to be near them at times?

Most often the feeling in these high conflict marriages is one of loneliness. Couples will often say we aren’t on the same page. One woman said once “we aren’t anywhere near the same book!” I understand the feeling, and I understand why many couples might conclude that if they could just get more connected, then the marital conflict would go away. If they could just communicate more, then the understanding and warmth and openness would flow freely. But when high conflict couples try to get closer, they often times find that it makes things worse. All their best intentions gone with the wind. Why? Despite how distant they may feel, the facts point to just how connected they are.

Have you ever given or been given the silent treatment? Think back for a minute to what it was like. Most of the time when couples aren’t speaking, and feeling at their loneliest, they couldn’t be more aware of each other. You can cut the cords of tension with a knife. That’s not a lack of connection. That’s intense, uncomfortable, painful connection…like you’re tied to one another so tightly you can’t breath or have stability standing on your own two feet. In the beginning of a relationship this kind of connectivity feels very nice. But it isn’t something we can sustain. We have as much of a need to stand on our own as we do to be connected.

The solution in high conflict marriage isn’t to get more connected. It has something to do with getting less intensely connected. The irony is that less intense connection leads to a deeper, calmer, more sustainable and meaningful connection.

One woman said recently that she might really enjoy the feeling of being more separate from her husband, especially when he’s angry. She noticed that whenever he was frustrated, no matter what mood she had been in two minutes earlier, she would become frustrated or angry or anxious too. It had never occurred to her that she could be in the same room with him, listening to him, without taking on his emotional state. Separate yet connected at the same time.

How contagious are the emotions in your relationship? To what degree can you be separate and connected at the same time?