In the therapy world, there is more than one way to think about infidelity and infidelity counseling. Sometimes when the conventional thinking doesn’t seem to be helping, couples might consider the ideas that follow. Consider this couple and their experiences in each of the different ways of thinking on this complex problem:
A couple of years ago a couple came to me…we’ll call them Liz and Tim. Liz, a forty-something, stay at home mom who was sad and angry and unsure of whether there was hope. Her husband, Tim, had an affair two years prior and she was still deeply conflicted between wanting to punish him and not wanting to lose him. Tim, a very busy owner of a chain of retail stores, sat next to her, his head in his hands, looking defeated. He didn’t know what to do anymore either. They had been married 13 years, they had 2 daughters, and Tim did not want to lose his family. He was deeply conflicted between his anger and his guilt and his wish to keep his family together.
In two years of struggle, Tim and Liz were rigidly poised in their own corners. Neither knew what to do anymore. The easy laughter and private sense they used to share that they were meant for each other had not returned. Quite the opposite, they were feeling like maybe getting married to each other had been a big mistake.
The Conventional Thinking
During Tim and Liz’s infidelity counseling sessions, they were encouraged to make their relationship the most important thing in their lives, schedule date nights and deeply listen to one another…to get vulnerable with each other. Tim, in particular, had been instructed to pay closer attention to Liz and what she needed. He was told to answer her questions and listen openly as she talked. He was to be aware of her insecurities and to be sensitive to attending to her when they arose. In the beginning, Tim stayed close to Liz as much as he could and strived to make her feel reassured and safe. In addition, to demonstrate he had nothing to hide, Tim gave Liz all of his passwords and access to his cell phone and answered every question she had about the affair. The advice seemed to work at first, but over time, neither Tim nor Liz felt the kind of meaningful connection they were hoping for. Tim developed a feeling he had to take care of Liz, and over time Liz experienced greater anxiety and less confidence. Family life was suffering as one of their two daughters started performing and behaving badly in school and at home.
The more Liz’s anxiety and anger increased, the more she fought with Tim to try to get some kind of answer. Some kind of reassurance that this could be solved. The more Tim tried to solve this for her, the more defeated he felt. The more they looked to each other for answers, the more they fought, the less desire they felt to be intimate, both emotionally and physically. A vicious cycle, to say the least.
A Different Approach to Infidelity Counseling
I want to share with you one of our initial conversations. It is one I have early on with many couples in this situation. It is one that I hope resets the stage for them. Gets them thinking about their predicament, not just feeling about it. As I relay this conversation to you, I invite you to listen for some of the differences between my thinking, which is Family Systems based, and the thinking that is more familiar to most couples…the thinking that was behind the initial infidelity counseling that Liz and Tim sought out…the date nights, the communication, and the encouragement toward trust, reassurance, and meeting each others needs.
A New Conversation about the Same Old Things:
“I just don’t trust him anymore and no matter what I do and no matter what he does, the feeling doesn’t change.” Liz sat in my office with her husband Tim on the opposite end of the couch. “Something broke when he cheated and we haven’t been able to get it back, even after two years of working on it! I’m so tired and I’m so burned out and I just don’t know what to do anymore.” She was sitting with her legs crossed, shoulders rigid, breathing shallowly.
“Maybe you should stop trying to trust him.” I saw her brow wrinkle as I spoke.
“I’m sorry?”
“Maybe you should stop trying to trust him. It doesn’t seem to be working for you.” I noticed Tim shift a bit on his end of the couch.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Liz looked at me like I’d lost my mind.
“My understanding is that you’ve done everything you’ve been asked to do to recover trust. You’ve done the communication stuff, you’ve tried dating, you’ve tried spicing up your sex life. Tim, my understanding is that you’ve spent a lot of time trying to reassure Liz, going at her pace, empathizing, and so forth.”
Tim nods.
“Yet you’re both miserable and not anywhere close to trusting. Maybe you should consider that trying to trust each other isn’t a workable solution for you – and perhaps something that may have caused more problems than it solved.”
Liz continued. “I still don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“Have you been working on rebuilding trust for a good while now?”
“Yes.”
“Have you done everything it makes sense to do to get yourself to believe Tim?”
“Yes.”
“Has it worked?”
“No.”
“Then maybe you know what I’m talking about.”
Liz paused to think. “You mean, working on trust isn’t working because it doesn’t work?”
“Yes, something like that.”
Liz was still confused but she was at least beginning to let go of the idea that working on trust was the path for them. Letting go of an unproductive idea is the most important first step.
“But if I can’t trust him then I can’t be with him. If we can’t get trust back then there’s no hope.”
“As we go through this process, divorce may be something you will consider. But that’s not the question on the table. What we’re talking about is whether trying to rebuild trust is effective for you. You’re beginning to consider the idea that it hasn’t been helpful. In my experience with couples, getting trust back seems to be better thought of as an end result rather than the pathway. It might be helpful for you both to consider what rebuilding trust even means – what it really means. What have you guys been working on these last two years?”
Tim spoke. “Rebuilding trust means getting her to believe me again. It means getting her to see the real me, not the guy who screwed up two years ago.”
“So, rebuilding trust means you’ve been working on Liz’s mind?”
“No. It means getting her to see me. That’s all.”
“How is that not working on her mind rather than on your own?”
“Well. OK. I see your point. But I have been working on myself! I’ve been working on myself ever since we met! If Liz doesn’t like something, I change it! She used to always complain that I would try to fix her problems whenever she wanted to just talk about them. She asked me to stop, so I did! Since the affair, I’ve done everything I possibly could to make up for the crap I caused. But it never works. It’s never enough. She just doesn’t appreciate me, no matter what I do.”
“It’s a tough corner you’re wedged into with each other. Liz wants you to listen better to make her feel heard and what have you, and you want to feel the gratification of making her feel better. So you bend over backwards to do just that, and it doesn’t quite go over. And then perhaps, after enough time has passed, you start to wonder when she is going to make you feel better. Sound about right?”
“I hate the way that sounds, but yeah. That’s what it turns into in the end. Shouldn’t it be that way though? I look out for her, and she looks out for me.”
“I think we can get to that kind of a place eventually. But again, that place is more of a result rather than a path. But tell me how this way of thinking about your relationship is not just an elaborate way to work on Liz’s mind rather than your own – to get her to feel good or happy or whatever so that you can, in turn, get to feel good too.”
Tim sat back and let a long breath flow out. He was beginning to catch a glimpse of his part in their stuck pattern. “OK. I can see that. But what else am I supposed to do when she’s so unhappy?”
“Perhaps trying to make your wife feel happy or reassured is like trying to make her feel trust. Perhaps it’s just one of those automatic, go-to solutions for you guys that simply isn’t effective and that just makes things worse in the end. I’m sure you’ve attempted this same kind of approach elsewhere in your life – in other relationships. Most of us do. What kind of success would you say you’ve had with it in general?”
“Very little, if any.” Tim had a shadow of a smile forming – thinking of the absurdity of trying to get others to change.
“And what is your typical reaction to someone who is trying to “help” you change? Someone who is ultimately working on your mind and not their own?”
“Not great. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to do it to them!” Tim’s ironic smile began to lighten the mood in the office. “I guess I hadn’t thought of it as changing others vs. changing me first.” Tim sat back and thought a minute. “Actually, I’ve stepped up efforts lately at work to get people to care more about the company and the work with reward incentives and so forth. But the more I try to do this, the more it seems to grind to a halt.”
“Right. So, if you really want to grind change to a halt in your marriage, then start by trying to get your wife here to change.”
Liz chuckled. She turned to Tim and with a sly grin said, “Yeah, quit trying to change me, would ya?”
Tim turned to her sharply and said, “Quit begging me to try to change you!”
All Bound Up and No Place to Go
Both Liz and Tim began to realize in that moment that what they’d been doing to help their marriage had run its course. Over the past two years since Tim’s affair, Liz’s anxious approach went something like this: Tell me you’ll never do it again (even though I can’t believe you). Tell me you are honest (even though I know you are capable of great untruths). Make me believe you (more than I believe myself). In other words, Liz wanted Tim to change her mind about him, but her automatic, natural resistance to this was beyond her awareness and control. And her desperate attempts to get out of the bind they were in was actually tightening its grip on both of them.
For the spouse who has cheated who might be less willing to turn himself inside out like Tim, this emotional process can really place them in a bind, which goes something like this: I’m here to make you feel safe again. (Even though I know you don’t really believe me or trust me to do so.) I’m really a good guy. (But if I can’t convince you of it then maybe we’re hopeless!) Wait a minute, I was unhappy in this marriage too (But I don’t have a leg to stand on so nevermind!) With this kind of automatic, emotional tug-of-war going on, it was no wonder Liz’s and Tim’s marriage was still in trouble when they first came to me. The very help they had been seeking had inadvertently led them into the bind they were already in.
After a year of infidelity counseling, with a different kind of perspective, Liz and Tim’s marriage was finally coming back together.
Want more information about a different approach to infidelity counseling? Stay tuned in the next few weeks for more blog posts and even a quick quiz called Can my Marriage Survive the Affair? Meanwhile you can read more about how I help couples through infidelity here and you can read here about the remarkable technology of neurofeedback and how it is helping my couples with the trauma, the triggers, and the sleepless nights naturally and effectively.
As always I welcome your comments below!
